I worry about getting lost.
About wasting my “good” years and having nothing to show for it.
I worry that my kids will suck all the life out of me.
That I’ll only live out a fraction of my potential.
(I worry about whether Wendy’s chicken nuggets have ground-up chicken beaks in them too. I worry a lot. And yet we still eat drive-thru food once a week.)
I’ll be 100% honest here and say that I’m having a hard time sorting my life out right now. The past few months have been a season of waiting and abiding and I’m uncomfortable. “My life” really consists of four other people’s lives. Tending to everyone else’s needs and wants. Making food. Schooling two children. Doing laundry. Cleaning. Taking time to listen to them. Connecting with my husband daily.
It is so much. (Right, mamas??? I’m not alone here, right? It’s a lot.)
Sometimes I think I’m strong and sometimes I just break down and need to cry. Get it out and then move on and put a smile on that (tired) face. On occasion, I’ll find myself daydreaming about what life would look like without kids. What would I do with my days??
I’d own a gym and pour myself into training clients.
I’d enjoy pedicures and get my hair done. Regularly.
I’d lay in bed until however long I wanted and then have unrushed loud sex with my husband.
I’d eat my treats before 8pm because there’d be no one around to steal them.
No one around.
.
There would be no one around.
No Henry Cole. No Clara Kathleen. No Porter Killian.
And suddenly I’m falling to my knees, thanking God for such a glorious life. My life equals four other lives! Praise God!!!!! He thinks enough of me and my ability to gift me with so much. He thinks the weight won’t be too heavy; He’ll make the burden light. He knows I can’t do it alone so he gives me a perfect partner to navigate parenthood with. He created me to be strong enough to tend to these little lives 24 hours a day, they never leave my side. They’re tucked right under my wing, right where they’re supposed to be. ….And so am I.
So yeah, this isn’t my season.
This is their season.
These hard years are for nurturing and teaching and supporting THEM. For “raising them up in the way they should go.” For being less selfish. For pouring my heart and soul out.
And yes, for losing myself a little.
I think I’d be more worried if I didn’t.
splendid…lindsay
is Porter wearing a baby brother shirt? Did I miss an announcement?
:) No…he’s still the only baby brother. :)
Transparent. Moving. Vital. Passionate.
Thank you, c
Really well said. Especially knowing that you haven’t given ALL of yourself up, just a part. (And a very special part at that.)
Seriously….bravo mama!
This is simply beautiful. It just screams LOVE because love, as God shows us, is sacrificial. <3
All of this….it’s like you’re in my head. I sit here wondering some days if I’m meant for more. More in my professional life or more in life as a mom. Is this what it’s supposed to be? Is it enough? Am I enough? I ponder what people would say or remember about me when I’m gone. Would what I’m doing now be enough? I too wear all the hats with only one kid and the contemplating back and forth whether or not I have it in me to do it again. Motherhood and all that comes with it is harder than anything I’ve ever done before. I do miss my identity, but at the same time can’t imagine life without my daughter. Am I selfish for leaning towards not having another child bc I want ME back? Or is this me? Will my daughter be at a disadvantage as an only child? Will she resent me when she is older that she doesn’t have a sister or brother like my husband and I do? Oye…..how these seasons of life are ever changing. Xoxo
Wonderful post Lindsay. It’s so incredibly draining to be a mother, but it fills me up in so many ways too. This time isn’t about me, it’s about US. The family I’ve always dreamed of is happening NOW :)
Beautiful…just beautiful!
Your blog always makes me feel like we are sitting down for a cup of hot and just chatting away about life. I love your raw, open and honest style of blogging.
Love! So much love!
These words are so so amazing, and I can only hope and wish I can feel the same once we decide to have kids in our life. <3
I’ve been surrounded by babies lately. So much so that I start to ask myself if I ever COULD get to a place where I’d want and be able to put the needs of others before mine. I can’t say that I know the answer, but I do know (or at least I’ve been told) that you are never prepared for motherhood, and that it is a string of lessons, challenges, and (hopefully?) joy. Not knowing if I can or will ever have the experience, I admire SO MUCH those of you beautiful mothers who are honest about the struggle….and the wonderment of it all.
“My life” really consists of four other people’s lives. Tending to everyone else’s needs and wants.
I love you, but I think you’re wrong. “Your life” consists of FIVE lives – theirs AND yours. Tending to everyone else’s needs and wants AND YOUR OWN! You have a beautiful family, you are a beautiful person and while I’m not a mother (so maybe that leaves me no where to speak) but I am someone who has a tendency to put other’s needs and wants before her own over and over and over only to be hit by a ton of bricks down the road and realize how important it is to make sure I make time for myself and my needs and wants too as that better serves EVERYONE in the long run.
Sure, you need to be a little less selfish than the single-girl with no kids (aka me) but you still need to give yourself what you need from time to time so please don’t forget that! And maybe get grandma and grandpa to take the kids for a weekend so you and that husband can have un-rushed, loud sex if that’s what you so desire! ;)
I don’t have kids (yet, hopefully one day God will bless me with a good man to share that journey with) but I completely empathize! I sometimes worry about not living my full potential and truly LIVING life but lately I’ve been trying to make sure that I do. “They” say that most regrets consist of things you didn’t do rather than what you did do so I’ve made that my new mantra. Thank you for your candid blog and making the rest of us feel normal, whatever that means!
Yes! This!! So good!! Thank you for getting in my head and writing everything out!!
You are so amazing! I love reading your posts and feel I can connect with them! I love your references to God as I am a new Christian and find so much love, warmth and peace in this new relationship! I know you don’t know me but I just wanted you to know that you touch my life! And for that I thank you!
thank you so much for reading, Kathy!!! :)
Yes! You put it into words! Some days I feel like the kids are sucking everything out of me and other days I feel like I don’t pour out enough for them. Motherhood is full of contradictions.
This actually made me tear up! Lindsay, it’s going soooooo fast! My kids are older and I feel like they need me here as much as they did when they were younger – they do and they don’t (if that makes any sense). I just gave up a full time job because I was needed back at home. My husband and two boys needed me here. Sure, there’s less money, but they all needed me. Motherhood is not for the weak…that’s for sure. I have friends that whisk away to amazing vacation spots, get their nails done, get massages…I have never done any of that. I daydream about what life would be like without kids too. However, these kids…my babies (yeah, they are still my babies at 15 and 17), they complete me. They make me who I am. I wouldn’t change a thing. They even make my marriage better – because sometimes it is us against them ;). I don’t feel like this is my season either. We had kids when we were young for a reason. My husband and I knew that we would still be young enough to have our time after they leave us. Being a parent is definitely giving up a piece of yourself for some time. Being good at it is letting go of that and really just finding peace in the fact that you are giving to these amazing human beings you created. I have to believe that my season is out there and that it will come. I know these men of mine are good and they will (they do and I know it because they do communicate it to me) appreciate this time that I’m giving to them. Life is good my friend. Sending hugs to you!
beautifully written!! Hugs right back, Sarena!