Last week I made the mistake of attending a funeral.

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I honestly didn’t think that much about it or what kinds of feelings my attendance would conjure up until I was asked to SING at the funeral.  I passed on that, knowing that I wouldn’t be ok to stand up in front of people.  If I’ve noticed anything over the past week, it’s that music makes me cry.  Especially worship music.

I’m not mad at God.  Worshipping Him is a pleasure, especially now.  But what I feel when music comes on is something indescribable.  My heart hurts and I can’t breath, like the air gets caught in the back of my throat and burns.

What I feel is everything I’m pushing back down in my belly.  All the feelings of sadness and doubt and heartache.  All the grief that I’m trying to stop from pouring out of me.

Music keeps pulling it back out.

It was at this funeral, as my mom and my sister were up there singing 10,000 Reasons (a song that I LOVE to sing), with tears pouring down my face and onto my daddy’s shirt, that I realized something….

It’s ok to grieve. 

And I hadn’t let myself grieve properly.

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I’ve been told that I’m so strong.  That I’m a testament to God’s grace.  That if others were in my position, they wouldn’t be functioning quite so well.

All I can say back is that it’s God’s strength and not my own.  And yes, He has given me an unreal sense of peace about this whole messy crappy situation.  But there is also a lot of hurt that I’m carrying around.  And for me to act like there isn’t, is, well, a disservice to anyone that truly is grieving.

Sometimes I’m not ok.  Sometimes I can’t help but cry.

Last Friday, I looked down at my left hand and saw the tiny hole where my IV went in for my D & C and I was reminded that it had only been a week.  A week since my life had switched directions.  I cried.

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Every time I’m in the shower, I look down at my belly and rub it.  My belly that was just starting to round.  And I cry.

Every time I want to have sex with husband, but I can’t because it’s too soon.  I cry then.

At random moments, I begin to tense my jaw up, pushing back tears.

As much as I want to desperately grasp “normal” again and fast forward through these days, I can’t.  And I shouldn’t. 

Because it’s ok to grieve. 

Katie said it best in a text she sent me right after I told her.  She has been such a great source of comfort to me during this time.  She said:

God has you so heavy on my heart right now. He wants you to know…you will face trouble in this life.  But more importantly, you will ALWAYS have Him.  He understands when no one else does. He holds you in His arms and lets you wail and rage and beat your fists on His chest and the whole time He is just holding you and whispering how PRECIOUS you are to Him.  Run to Him, even though you’re angry.  Let Him heal you.  There is no other way.

There is no other way.

——-

There will always be grief and heartache.

But there will always be beauty for ashes as well.

It is that hope and knowledge of greater things to come that silences my tears and makes me keep stepping forward. 

One day at a time. 

splendid…lindsay

  1. Katie @ Talk Less, Say More says:

    Beautifully written. And the thing is you ARE strong but that doesn’t mean it’s not okay to cry and partake in grief. Take the time that you need and mend and heal however you need to in each moment, sometimes that’s through tears and that’s okay!

  2. Giselle Schroer says:

    I am so sorry for your loss! You seem like such a strong woman and you are 100% right, it is grieving is a huge process to healing. It might not seem like these days will of pain will end, but they will :-)

  3. Bek @ Crave says:

    I hope you do take the time to experience the emotions you need to experience- before you can move on and get back to normal. Otherwise you’ll never overcome it and always be stuck in this place.

  4. Lee says:

    It happened to me too. I haven’t written about it yet because it just happened and I go in for the D&C tomorrow. But you are not alone. And neither am I.

  5. Katie @ Livehalffull says:

    It is TOTALLY ok to grieve. I lost my Mom almost two years ago and I still have times I burst into tears. By now though I’ve accepted it, they are my feelings and it’s totally natural. So let yourself do whatever you need to! Stay strong!

  6. Katie says:

    So much love to you, my dear. I’m glad you’re taking the time to be sad…I know it’s a hassle and much easier to just push it aside and not deal with it. Also so glad that God is giving you peace through all of this.

    Big hugs!

  7. Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut says:

    Ugh I want to hug you and cry with you!! I think I would be normal to grieve a whole year so do your thing!

    That phrase “beauty for ashes” reminded me of a song…that I’ve cried to at times by Superchick called “Beauty from Pain” I believe. If you need another good cry. Praying for you whenever God brings you to mind!! <3 <3

  8. Ellie@Fit for the Soul says:

    Thank you so much for sharing with us Lindsay! I truly am in awe of how good God is because He never lets his children fall on their faces, because He comforts us when we’re hurting, and He disciplines us when we’re going astray. I believe that you admitting how much you’re hurting and grieving is another reminder that HE cares SO much that He wants to uproot everything in your heart for further healing. I always remember in these times that even Jesus grieved, felt anger, felt depressed, and felt alone when life was hard..but you’re not alone, that’s the good news. :) Love you sister! <3

  9. Bonnie says:

    Wow…thank you for sharing your grief with us, Lindsay. It’s so good to be honest about your pain because, as my mom has always said, grief and suffering and hardship is what brings people together. It’s not our successes or victories but our sufferings that others can relate to, and I know that God is using your pain to comfort others in their weaknesses. I pray that this time would be so good for your heart to let it out, to fully grieve; I was shocked to read it had only been a week – you do seem upbeat and to have recovered well. So grieve and mourn, and, as Katie said, know that God is with you in those moments. So much love to you and your family in this time, Linds. :)

  10. Lisa says:

    This made me tear up a bit. Grief if a natural process. We can’t be sparkles and rainbows all the time, somethings things happen and we need to accept that, grieve our losses, and then we are able to come out of it as stronger people. You will come back stronger than ever from this experience. You are such a wonderful person and loving. Thinking of you!

  11. Brittany @ Itty Bits of Balance says:

    Wow. What Katie wrote is spot-on, it made tears well up in MY eyes. She couldn’t be more correct either! Jesus hears your cries and knows your pain better than anyone else. You are a testament to God’s grace by allowing yourself to BE HUMAN too.

    Love ya Lindsay <3

  12. Katie @ Peace Love & Oats says:

    Why do I always cry on the bus?!? This was beautiful, especially Katie’s text. I definitely think we all need to properly grieve when we experience any kind if loss, I feel like it’s a way to cleanse your soul. Always thinking of you, Lindsay.

  13. Susan says:

    Sending you love, as always Lindsay. While I have never come close to experiencing anything traumatic as what you are going through, I do know grief very well. A week is nothing. This is something you are going to carry for a lifetime. Some days will be worse than other days. But time really does heal. It’s not always about “overcoming” something, but rather accepting it as part of who we are. And you are already an amazing person. Love you!!

  14. lindsay says:

    Katie is so right. Jesus is right there grieving with you, and so are we! Run to HIS arms. Grieve, wail, cry, and let GOD strengthen your soul. You are loved friend. <3

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