It’s currently 7:10pm on Friday night.
Clara and Porter, who still have tomato sauce on the corners of their mouths, are sitting at my feet engrossed in (the same exact episode that we always watch of) Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I remember when Henry was little and watching Finding Nemo over and over and over and over again, so much so that I gave our family a 6 year break from that fish movie and we only just recently watched it again. Luckily, Porter hasn’t shown such an affinity for it. MMC is his Nemo and I can already see me (conveniently) breaking this dvd disc. Poor Mickey.
Anyway, Travis took Henry to basketball practice (yes, 6-year-old basketball practice at 7pm on a Friday night!!!!) so I thought I’d sit down for a second and type.
It’s hard to put into words the way I’m feeling these days but I want to try because writing always helps me process.
I think “resting” is a good word for this time.
I also think “bored” might apply.
From 60 to 0
I haven’t shared it here on the blog but I recently sold my part of the coffee/yogurt shop. There’s a lot of backstory that I won’t get into here but I am no longer part-owner of that business. It was a good thing and I’m happy to have stepped away (and also rooting for that baby to succeed). The actual signing away of the business came rather abruptly (start to finish in one month) and I’m still processing what it all means. In addition and as you’ve probably heard, Janetha, Lauren and I decided to step away from Blend Retreat. Although it was very amicable (and I believe, necessary) my heart broke a little when we decided to stop. Blend was like a child for me. Something I poured a lot of blood, sweat and tears into. Four years and hours upon hours of work yet it all felt so worth it when that weekend would roll around and I’d get to see so many of my favorite bloggers all in one place. Again, I still am processing that decision and the feelings that I have are akin to those that you’d feel when a family member dies. That may seem dramatic but starting Blend and managing it was a huge part of my life (and identity).
Two businesses essentially ending at the same time. Two rather large pieces of me just not there anymore. For someone who thrives off of completing tasks and staying busy, I’m left feeling lost. And again, bored.
“I’ll Shrivel Up”
A couple of weeks ago after we announced the Blend news, I just couldn’t stop crying into Travis’ chest. Like any good husband, he held me and listened. The words I’d been feeling just starting falling out of my lips and onto his chest.
“My fear is that I’ll shrivel up and become unseen.”
With not even the least bit of remorse, I confess that I want more for my life than being a homeschooling housewife. I want to make an impact on both my children AND my peers and I believe I can do both successfully. I want to be in the thick of it. I want to star in theater shows. I want to pursue nutrition coaching and help other women overcome their eating disorders. I want to write quality blog posts that get shared and that make people nod along as they read. I’d like to own my own gym one day. I want to start a few more businesses, get them up and running and then sell them and use the money to travel to Nice, France.
Simply put, I want to flourish.
I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to pour myself into these children while also pouring myself a celebratory wine. (Figuratively speaking since I don’t really care for wine). One of my fears (now spoken for all the world to criticize and pick apart) is that I’ll get these children raised and sent off to college and I’ll have missed out. Yet even as I type those words out, the Holy Spirit calms my soul and says, “Your motherhood is enough.” And it could be. For sure.
But I think I want both. Can I have both??
I want both.
A Season of Waiting
God works on us during these silent periods of rest. That’s where I’m at right now. Resting. Waiting. Embracing this time when I have more margin and not filling it up with anything less than that “next thing” that God has in store for me. In the past, I would have said, “YES!!!” to anything that showed up during this rest period. I’ve learned better. I’m not looking to fill this void with any and everythings…I’m looking for the right thing and I KNOW that it will be nothing short of amazing, big or small.
And so I wait. And rest up.
QUESTION: Are you in a season of rest like me?? Are you a mama who wants a little more?