(I’m going to think out loud today. 

About my body and mind.  Which isn’t your body or mind. 

So just bare with me and listen while I ramble, list-style.

These are #firstworldproblems for sure.)

I’m nearly 7 weeks postpartum.

And my body is a bit squishy.

Nothing a few months won’t fix.

But still squishy…for me.

I have cellulite on my thighs and butt.

My belly skin is loose.

Like I said, I’m nearly 7 weeks postpartum.

So there’s definitely a lot of room for grace there.

012

I’m nursing Porter.

He eats.

A lot.

Every 2 hours lately.

I must eat to keep up my milk supply.

A lot of food.

I must drink water to keep up my milk supply.

A lot of water.

I’m always hungry.

Nursing and little sleep do this to my body.

I have an eating disordered past.

I deal with a set of mental struggles with food and exercise.

I conquer every voice.

Beat them down.

But for that split second before I can win, the “you-should-be-dieting-or-working-out-more”-voice rings in my ear.

For a split second, my mind races and I become anxious.

I can’t allow myself to restrict food.

In any way.

Not even going there.

Nope.

Dieting isn’t an option.

((But I’m squishy.))

Working out more/for longer/harder isn’t an option.

((But I’m squishy.))

Counting, weighing, numbers…not options.

((But I’m squishy.))

So where does that leave me?? 

What are my priorities??

Family, faith, friends, fellowship…..but…but…where does “having that super hot body” fall??

002

The facts are these:  I’m healthy.  Fit.  Strong.

And with hands tied, I’m learning patience.

And, for what feels like the millionth time, I see that all this body talk distracts me from my priorities.

How many flipping times will I have this conversation with myself!?!?

I, I, I

Me, me, MEEEEEEE!

See… that’s the problem in the first place.

Vanity.

What an utter waste of time, thinking about yourself.

Perhaps I should find something better to do.

((But I’m squi….))

Oh shut up!!!

———–

QUESTION:  Vanity.  Let’s talk.  Are we getting healthy for our health or for our looks?

splendid…lindsay

  1. Andi says:

    I’m in the same boat. Thank you so much for posting this. :) Sometimes it’s hard, but I’ve been trying to have the same mind frame as you! Great post.

  2. Melissa says:

    Your body changes so that you can give life to a baby so it is okay if makes you look different. That different is for a beautiful blessing. You are beautiful.

  3. Lauren says:

    At 24 weeks pregnant, I fear I will run into this too. I caught myself last night saying to my hubs, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get my pre-baby body back.” I hate thinking like that! I feel like it is taking away from my entire pregnancy experience. But none the less, I feel that it is a normal reaction for any pregnant or post pregnant woman. Kudos to you for opening up about it! xoxo

  4. Domi @ Eat, Pray, Lift says:

    Way to tell that voice where it can go. Feeling squishy is hard anytime, and I can only imagine how much worse it is when you’ve got the pressure of a new baby (and 2 other kiddos!) and all that goes along with that. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to look good and working towards that end, but for me (and maybe you, and probably lots and lots of others) that becomes a slippery slope into letting vanity take priority over other priorities…like health, and friends, and family, and living, and God. And THAT is a huge problem. So far, the best solution I’ve found is to keep my focus on my health and try (TRY) to enjoy the healthy body that comes from that, however it may look.

    If all else fails, I just drown that voice out by going to town on some half-baked brownies. Solves everything. ;)

  5. Tori says:

    I am currently 12 weeks PP and still have what I call a “waterbed belly”. I look great in clothes (Pre-pregnancy clothes at that! Which is wonderful, yes!) but, I too struggle with the squish. I can’t say I have honestly given my all to get rid of this waterbed. Some days I look in the mirror and tell myself “You look awesome for having a baby x-weeks ago!”. Some days I look in the mirror and say, “You could do better, Tori!”. Some days I say “It’s not like it use to be, but nothing is as it was”. Some days, I wonder when the hell this brown line is going to go away!!!
    My point, I always find a flaw but I usually don’t have to look father than my arms to find peace in knowing it is all for a good reason. No, I don’t like being squishy. I hate it actually. And I do know many, many women would kill to be “my-kind-of-squishy”. But, like you said…this is my body. My mind. MY SQUISHY! (which is totally different than anyone else’s squishy!)
    Right now my priorities truly are with Tytus and keeping my husband happy. In the back of my mind I wonder though, how long will the PP excuses last?
    As I’ve said before,(along with everyone else) I love your honesty and openness.

    I love reading real-life. And sometimes, real life is squishy.
    Much LOVE.

  6. janetha says:

    i said it the other day and i will say it again, you had your baby a day ago!!!! but i realize you have a very different mind set than me, and no doubt different struggles. glad you are trying to tell yourself to shut up, though. and if you have a hard time doing it, you KNOW i will tell you to shut up. that’s what i am here for :) love you.

  7. Katie @ Peace Love & Oats says:

    We’ve been studying Ephesians in my small group and a big thing that I’ve learned is that we are not defined by anything but God. You are a child of God. That’s all that really matters. Everything else that you might use to define yourself is merely a descriptor.

    For example, I might say: I am a law graduate, I am a runner, I am a daughter, I am a netflix addict, I am an American, I am XXX lbs, I am a size X, I am, I am I am. But all of these things DO NOT DEFINE US. God defines us. God defines me. I am his child and living my life to glorify him is all that matters. Not how squishy you are :)

  8. Jen says:

    Love this and love you. Battling some of the same squishy demons right now, but then I look at my squishy baby and realize how foolish I’m being.

  9. Tiff says:

    I hear ya, and I’m 7 MONTHS pp!! I’m not as thin or strong as I was, but I’m okay with that. Priorities shift, and frankly, there would be a red flag if they DIDN’T. Be patient and enjoy the cuddles. :)

  10. Jules says:

    I guess what I meant by my comment was that thinking about it a different way(which you clearly are trying & I am right there with you with a probably even squishier postpartum body than you:) may help you see you are just normal in your thinking. And with an eating disorder in your past, it likes to lie to you. But the truth is you are doing the best you can and you are battling those thoughts. Good for you. I won’t be commenting again.

  11. Wendy says:

    So, are you talking about physical health or mental and emotional health? This post seems to emphasize all three very well.

    In the midst of growing baby number 2, I’m in awe of my body and employing myself to be patient with the postpartum period.

    I’ve learned that it can take 12 months for body, hormones, and emotions to return to “normal.”

  12. Jade says:

    I have been having very similar thought patterns right now and I want to/need to/have to stop. Pregnancy and then the after body is so hard mentally on a person with these thoughts and man I’m not looking forward to post partum body #2 but it will be what it will be, I have to focus on the new life that will be coming at the end of all this. I really do appreciate your honesty.

  13. Jaclyn @ BumpSweat says:

    Love this! This is such a serious battle for so many women. I’ve battled exercising for health vs. purely for looks for years. For way too long, the latter won out, but now my main focus, especially now that I’m pregnant, is health and strength. Thank you for being so open and honest!

  14. Amanda - RunToTheFinish says:

    Admittedly I’ve never had a baby and often feel squishy. So yes, it’s about priorities and some days the ego is easy to release others not so much…i think yoga and meditation have helped tremendously for me.

    always love your openness and honesty

  15. Bonnie says:

    I love this! I have not yet had any babies but somehow this is just how I feel about my own body. Vanity…useless. A woman who fears the Lord…that’s something else. Priorities, balance, learning, growth… But I love that you’re still doing everything you can be fit and healthy while working to maintain this (proper) mindset. Read daily, even without any comments, and love you Linds!

  16. Laura @ Mommy Run Fast says:

    Beautifully said! Love your honesty- and I think it’s so important to set an example of what a healthy mom really is… doing the best to care for your little ones AND yourself, without obsessing too much about any of it.

  17. Anonymous says:

    You are supposed to be squishy!! I can hear your struggles but come on you had a baby 7 weeks ago–your third baby! Please have a realistic perspective. I found myself green with envy at the workouts you have done so far. I am 9 weeks postpartum after my third baby & dealing with a slower recovery to where I can’t be back to being active like I want. So be thankful you can move & run & lift weights without throwing yourself a pity party that you are “squishy.” Some of us out there wish we could be where you are at. Some women wish they could even have a baby at all & just be “squishy.” Maybe taking a different perspective will help your self focused thoughts.

    • lindsaymwright says:

      Jules…
      Surely you read the first part of the post. And the middle. And the end. Surely you heard the overall theme. I AM taking a different thought path. But I’m also sharing these top of the brain thoughts too.

  18. Kim says:

    Thank you for this post. This is what goes on in my head constantly. I have had anorexia since age 14. I’m 32 and in recovery 2.5 years. I’m almost 6 months pregnant (which is a miracle!) and I battle everyday with that voice in my head. The weight gain is so unbelievably hard and I repeat…it’s for the baby….all day. My head keeps going to…eat less, work out more….but I know I can’t. I thought when i got pregnant the ED voice would lessen but it’s only gotten stronger. Sometimes it’s so tiring to fight the voice all the time but I’m so glad I read your post. I usually feel so alone and now I don’t feel so alone anymore:)

  19. Kindal @ liftingrevolution says:

    But you’re beautiful! I can relate so much as I see the weight I’ve put on (intentionally) but I have the Same talk every day. Workout more get the weight off. Eat less. Ugh. You’re body will get there, for now enjoy each moment. Plus your workouts are kicking ass lately!!

  20. RainStorm says:

    Ooooooo tricky one! In my mind I can’t separate the “being healthy” and the “looking good/better” aspects. In all honesty, I think I focus more on the vanity/looks aspect than the being fit and healthy part. You sound like you’re doing a good job of controlling your brain :)

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