I’m not sure how many posts I’ll have dedicated to this sorrow in the long haul.  Whenever I think about what I’m going to write at any other time, I post about my life – what’s been going on, my thoughts, how I’m feeling.  An online journal, if you will.  I’ve been open, more open than most, about the details of my heart and my life.  I think people appreciate that.  I know I find comfort in the sharing (even if sometimes I get called an “unfit mother), and for the most part, I have no regrets when it comes to this blog.

But I did myself a disservice last November when I wrote this post.  Because then I had to right come back around and write this post and admit that no, I wasn’t ok.  I was hurt and honestly trying to mask that hurt by returning to my normal status quo so quickly.

And again, I find that these feelings are true:

Last Friday, I looked down at my left hand and saw the tiny hole where my IV went in for my D & C and I was reminded that it had only been a week. A week since my life had switched directions. I cried.

013

Every time I’m in the shower, I look down at my belly and rub it. My belly that was just starting to round. And I cry.

Every time I want to have sex with my husband, but I can’t because it’s too soon. I cry then.

At random moments, I begin to tense my jaw up, pushing back tears.

As much as I want to desperately grasp “normal” again and fast forward through these days, I can’t.  And I shouldn’t.

Because it’s ok to grieve.

This time around, I’m approaching the grief differently.

I wouldn’t say I’m wallowing or crying everyday.  But every other day – yes.  Big tears.  Moments where I can’t catch my breath and my face gets hot.  And I’m angry.  At who?  I’m not sure.  But it’s there and I can see it and it makes me sad.

I’m grieving differently.  I’m responding to all of this differently.

And it’s allowing me to heal differently.

pain1

So what’s changed?

I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve.

When someone asks how I am, I don’t immediately say, “Fine!”  I take the time to really think about how I’m doing and I answer with whatever comes to mind.  And on more than one occasion, my response has made the other person pause (or gasp!).  Almost like I surprised them with the “rawness” of it all.  (Why DO we so often answer that question with an overwhelming, sugar coated, “YES!”?  I’m kinda over it.)  Times previous, I would have cared that the other person was uncomfortable with my honest answer.  Now, I see it as a lie if I withhold my emotions.

I like the raw.  And I don’t mind if people know that I’m hurting or that my eyes are puffy from crying.  It’s really ok.  I see this as a means of me growing up.

I’m taking it easy.

I jumped right back into exercising full blast last time.  I have wanted so badly to do the same this time.  But I’m limiting myself and taking it easy – my body has been through a lot in the past 6 months.  Aside from a Bootcamp on Saturday, I haven’t really worked out in over 4 weeks (3 weeks of morning sickness, 1 week post surgery).  I don’t have any plans for regaining the strength I lost.  I don’t have any fitness goals.  I’m just taking it one day at a time and allowing my body to heal.

I’m not making any plans.  And I’m learning to be ok with that.

Every bone, fiber, tendon in my body wants to plan out my life.  Have it set in stone and know what’s coming next.  The way I see it: my tendency towards CONTROL will be THE test in my life.  I know enough about myself to know that this is my problem area.  Can I let God take over?  Will I trust His plan?  Not just say that I’m going to but really DO IT?  Give up my control, my plans.

I have no plans for when we’ll get pregnant again.  I have no idea if that will even be possible.  I’m learning to just BE.  Right here, right now.  To enjoy Henry and Clara and know that they’ll be enough.  To enjoy my husband and know that he’ll be enough.  And whoa, it’s scary and frightening to not be in control.

This is my life challenge and I’m working on it daily through prayer and constant dialogue with God.**

————

This time around, there is no jumping back into normal so quickly.  No pretend face of happiness or perfection.  No guilt over what I should or shouldn’t be doing/saying.

And I feel so much better.  Free.

Like myself.

QUESTION:  How do you deal with grief?  Shut down or open up?

splendid…lindsay

**Grief’s only defense is HOPE!  I’m not without hope!  I’m just putting my hope into God, and not myself or my own abilities!

  1. Stephanie says:

    I realize you posted this quite a while ago, but I wanted to thank you for sharing all the ups and downs of building a family. I just had a miscarriage a week ago (my first pregnancy) and it’s reassuring that other women have experienced this as well. After all, I can see your family and you have three beautiful children despite also experiencing such a loss. It gives me hope that it will happen again soon for me.

  2. julie says:

    oh man! I just caught myself up and I can’t even believe I didn’t know about all of this! You are SO FREAKING STRONG!!!! You’re an amazing mom & wife and person. Love you lady! Everything happens for a reason. Have an awesome time at Blend this weekend! Wish I could be there xox

  3. Betty says:

    I’m so sorry for the pain that you are going through. But I’m so glad that you are letting yourself fully grieve. When I had my miscarriage I had moments where I would be full body-sobbing, and then other moments where I tried to just move on. And looking back, I’m so glad that I let myself cry when I needed to. Listen to your body, your heart, and keep having those conversations with God. Sending prayers your way!

  4. Heather @ Kiss My Broccoli says:

    I’m so proud of you for going about things differently this time. For allowing yourself permission to feel your feelings and to grieve in your own way. This is something I’ve always struggled with. Anytime I face difficult times or start to feel raw emotions, I act quickly to distract myself from them and push them away. I’m only now seeing this and trying my best to change it. It’s hard, but really, you can only run from yourself for so long and I’m tired of running in circles.

    My deepest thoughts are with you and your family. You are an inspiration to me and so many others. Love you!

  5. Krista says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss… Your honesty will teach others that we don’t always have to make life look “perfect” and hopefully help you work through all of this : / You and your family are in my prayers!

  6. Janet says:

    Lindsay, just want you to know that I’ve been praying for you this morning.
    We have never met, however, we are sisters in many ways, one- sisters in Christ! (yes, you have an asian sister)
    Thank you for sharing such an honest post and for being so transparent.
    I just wanted you to know I’m praying God’s healing hand over you (and your sweet family) emotionally, physically and spiritually as you continue to trust Him.
    Sending you BIG hugs from California. OOOOOxxx

  7. Christin@christinjoyful says:

    You are so wise to let down your guard and just BE my friend. The best way to grieve is to let go and let God…when you try to bury your hurt, you only hurt yourself more. I am so thankful to hear that you are taking time out for your body, mind and spirit…been praying for you, and will continue to do so! much love and hugs…

  8. Amanda @ Diary of a Semi-Health Nut says:

    When I get depressed or upset…I tend to hole up. And I definitely do the “I’m fine” thing to people who aren’t really close to me. I try to be more honest, but it’s hard when there seems to be periods of time when life is always a little rough. I guess I don’t want to be that person that complains all the time?

    You have every right to deal with this however the heck you want! Like I’ve said before…something good HAS to be coming!! That’s just the way God works!! Refinement through fire…and you’re definitely getting the fire!! <3

  9. jobo says:

    This is absolutely one of the best posts I have ever read from you. I love that you decided to post this, and that you are explaining how you grieve this time…and how it differs. And that you are getting back to things slowly, that you won’t always say you’re ‘fine’ and that you are operating plan-less. BE more, do less. Absolutely 100% agree. XO

  10. calee says:

    i would say i’m glad to read this post, but i’m not because i know the reason behind what you’re doing / going through really, really, really stinks. but i’m glad you’re taking a different direction or embracing a different perspective. much love! and big hugs next week.

  11. Jenny Sara says:

    Lindsay, my heart breaks for all that your family is dealing with right now. I’ve dealt with grief much the same as you – thinking that if I can just pretend I’m okay long enough it’ll become my reality. But I think the times I’ve dealt with grief and have actually been made better through it have been when I’ve allowed myself to feel the heartache. Sometimes that takes days, sometimes weeks, and sometimes even years. I applaud you for working through what I know aren’t easy feelings, thoughts, and struggles. And I applaud you for being honest and vulnerable here – who knows whose heart you’ve been able to touch and into whose lives you’ve been able to speak. Thank you for that.

  12. Brooke says:

    Grief FOR you. And grieving WITH you. I hope you know how much you bless and inspire. Know that I am continuing to pray for you. Thank you for being a blessing and I pray INCREDIBLE blessings for you. xoxo

  13. Cait @ Beyond Bananas says:

    Oh, Lindsay.. I so wish we didn’t know what this pain is like. I can agree that I handled everything differently both times – but looking back, there was a lot more pain involved with the second. YOu know.. because you think.. how could it happen twice? I definitely had days of sadness.. unstoppable tears – but that has changed to moments of fleeting sadness and a rare bout of tears. Instead, I am moving towards feelings of hope and strength. Thinking of you! xoxo

  14. Christine @ Love, Life, Surf says:

    Oh Lindsay. It’s absolutely OK to grieve. It makes me sad that we are often expected to fast forward through our grief and back to normal as soon as possible. I’m so so sorry for your loss and my thoughts are with you and your family. Thank you for sharing this. I truly appreciate your openness and honesty about all the aspects in your life – good and bad. I know it’s hard to put yourself out there so openly but I hope that you are able to find some solace in the process. xoxo

  15. Lisa @ RunWiki says:

    I can’t tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I know exactly what you are going through… I had six miscarriages all together and each and every one left me sad, angry, crazy and feeling helpless. I have three children now, but after all these years, I will occasionally cry over my loss, for the lost human beings that were not meant to be here on this earth, I cry big tears, and I wonder. I do know one thing for sure, those baby angels are still part of me, they are with me in those quiet moments, on a trail run when I see an eagle soaring, or a rainbow on a cloudy day. They let me know that they are with me, that their tiny angel wings surround me with their love. I know that my words won’t offer you any comfort right now, but I am here, I am someone who understands the depth of your pain and I am sending you all of my love and prayers. You are wise to take your time, healing is like surfing, you will ride the waves of pain and right now you are in a storm, but calm waters will come again, but in the meantime, be confident that you are surrounded and protected by a pair of tiny angel wings. xoxo

  16. Katie says:

    Ohhh. Big huge sigh. Tears running down my cheeks. Grief. I don’t really have anything profound or encouraging to say. But thank you for this post and just know I pray for you daily and I know that God will use this for your good. He so WILL.

  17. Brittany @ Delights and Delectables says:

    Even in your grief, you are such an inspiration to me. God does have a BEAUTIFUL plan for you friend. I’m in constant prayer for you. I tend to clam up during hard times, but I have found that God wants to use His people to lavish His love on us during these times. Thank you for sharing your heart and allowing us to love on you.

  18. Meghan @ After the Ivy League says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and that you’re going through this all over again :( Grieving is the only way to move on though. You’re doing the right thing, let those tears fall and let yourself feel angry and hurt. Eventually the grief will pass with God’s help and comfort, you’ll get through this.

  19. kia ruiz says:

    I am so sorry you are even having to deal with this kind of grief but astounded that you are being open in working with it. I tend to guard my ego enough until I am ready to honestly heal. There is no timetable on any of that, just what feels right. I hope you do not mind me being rude but Earth Mama Angel Baby has some resources that have helped yoga clients of mine dealing with their own bereavement around baby loss with their Healing Hearts page. Best of luck and love to you and your family.

  20. Heather @ Better With Veggies says:

    I think I shut down for the most part, although not around Kirk. I feel like I should be ok in public, but I think your approach is much healthier. I’m still praying for you and I’m here if you need someone to talk to. Miss you!

  21. She Rocks Fitness says:

    Again Lindsay, I admire your ability to open up to all of us and put it all out there! We are all here for you and support you through your grieving period. Sometimes I am open with my grieving and wear my emotions on my sleeve and other times I keep it all bundled up. When I am open, even though it can be scary and painful, in the long run it has helped me heal and become stronger. XOXO

  22. Melanie says:

    You are beautiful. You are a great person for sharing this side of you and your story. It’s hard. You are a wonderful person and you are greiving just fine. I really don’t think there is a definate right or wrong way to grieve. Grieving is normal no matter how it’s done. I personally shut down. I lost a best friend and when that happened it took me 6 months to realize I was in a severe depression. I wish I would of opened up sooner to my friends and family. You are grieving the way that you, yourself need to grieve. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of hugs!!!

  23. Suzi O says:

    My sweet girl, I love you so. You bring back memories of my infertility days, and the loss of my twin sons at 20 and 22 weeks. It was not Ok, and I was not Ok. Some people could handle that, especially those who loved me most. Real is good. There was a song at the time that said, “life goes by so quickly, slowly, that I can’t see the changes in me, I can’t see the work that you’ve already done inside my heart.” I was very real with God and he was big enough to handle everything I threw his way. And one day, l was actually Ok. And then, Josh was on his way.

    You will heal, you will grow. You may never know the why’s on this side of the curtain. Just continue to seek, to love and to be authentic. Then He will have his good and glorious way in your life. On earth, as it is in Heaven. Much love to you and yours.

  24. Liz @ Southern Charm says:

    Sending love you way … as well as prayers that you are able to give up control. You’re right on that it’s a daily struggle. But those moments when you realized you 100% trust in Him – we feel the freest, the happiest. I hope you have many of those moments.

    I’ve never thought of giving my hope to God … just my fears and worries. It’s beautiful, now that you say it. Something to work towards.

  25. Jess says:

    I’m really glad that you are taking this time to FEEL the emotion, the grief, the anger, the hurt, the loss. I am NOT glad you are feeling all of this at ALL, but I am glad that you are letting the emotion show, letting it roll through your body so you CAN deal with it before moving on. I know you tried to hit normal again last time around as a defense mechanism mostly (we are human, I would do the same I am sure…), but I’m not sure going to normal so fast helped you to heal properly. I am a big fan of feeling the emotion, talking it out, thinking it out, screaming it out, whatever it takes to FEEL. And then I’m able to move on better vs. pushing it down or ignoring the emotion. You know? I again, am so sorry you are in this place, and wish I could give you a GIANT hug. xo

  26. Annette@FitnessPerks says:

    I am so so sorry Lindsay. :( I admire you for your courage & your honesty though!

    Praying for you <3

    As for me, with grief, I shut down. Usually for a couple of days–and don't want to talk about or talk with anyone really. But that's how I always am with 'issues' or problems. I have to cry it out, pray it out, digest it, and then I can talk about it. It's just how I grieve/deal with hard stuff. But I can see how it'd be helpful to blog about it. xo

  27. Bonnie says:

    Thank you so much for your open and honest sharing, Lindsay…I think you are doing everything “right” even though there definitely is no guideline for dealing with grief. I, too, am an out-in-the-open processor and can’t hide anything or sweep things under the rug. Pretty soon there will be too big a bump under the rug and you will trip over it. Praying for you and really thinking of you during this time. Keep healing, keep listening to your body, keep leaning into Jesus and know that even across the internet, we’re here for you too. Thanks for opening up. Love you lots!

  28. Brooke Smith says:

    Lindsay,

    You are doing just what you should be doing! I am very proud of you and humbled by your honesty!

    I have been through a trialing four months myself with my business, marriage, etc…I have always been open and honest when asked particular questions by people and I am so often puzzled by others responses when you dont respond in a particular way. Owning a business is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done and I am learning that if I don’t smile and say everything is perfect, people seem to withdraw….I wish we as a society would learn to be more ACCEPTING of eachother…our hardships, our triumphs, our mistakes….

    I wish you solitude, peace, and comfort during this time. If you need anything please know that I am a call away…

    best, Brooke

  29. Heather says:

    I may have said this before, but it’s been the most helpful for me as I’ve grieved with our miscarriage (still) – it’s OK to feel how you feel. It’s OK to be sad and to miss that life. It’s OK. And you are loved beyond belief sweet friend!

  30. Tamara says:

    Lindsay, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Just be patient and compassionate with yourself. YOu are surrounded by love; friends, family and blends.

  31. Brittany @ Read, Run, Repeat says:

    I have been thinking about you and sending you lots of love — but I am so, so, so proud of you — for realizing that just jumping back into things and being your “typical self” wasn’t right, for allowing yourself to really grieve, and for letting yourself just “be”. That is so, so hard to do. I always love your honestly and raw approach to your blog… and I’m really glad that you decided to post this.

  32. Laura @ Mommy Run Fast says:

    I’m been thinking of you so much and praying for you as you come to mind. Like you, I’ve gotten better at being real the older I get- and being more open about grief when I’m in the middle of it. It definitely helps to be open and real, but it still hurts. Hugs, my friend!

  33. Casey @cswfityoga says:

    Relinquishing all the control to GOD and to trust his plan is truly the biggest challenge, but I know you are strong and full of faith and love…and we will be with you. Sending healing thoughts and prayers.

  34. Sarena (The Non-Dairy Queen) says:

    Oh Lindsay, these words are fare too close to home for me! I really do feel your pain. I’m not going to lie, for me, the loss of two babies has never gotten easier. Sure, without those losses, I wouldn’t have Max (my youngest) here, but the thought of two souls that never got the chance, still breaks my heart. I remember both so vividly…a little too vividly really. The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know that one day, I will meet these amazing souls. I imagine they were far too great for this world and that they were meant to watch over me and my family. I am so incredibly sorry for your pain and your losses. I hope that you and Travis find some comfort through all of this. You two are in my thoughts. xoxo

  35. Carly @ Snack Therapy says:

    Your honesty gives me goosebumps. I can’t begin to fathom what you’re going through, but I do know that you’re helping others by sharing all of this. I’m someone who needs to use humor to grieve, especially when I’m with others. I like saving my crying sessions for my alone time- I just feel more comfortable that way!

  36. Katie @ Talk Less, Say More says:

    I have always loved and appreciated your honesty. Through all of this, that has not changed. I send you all of the love and comfort that I can and hope you are able to find the peace that you need. Meanwhile, remember that in two weeks your Blends will surround you with all of their love. We can have one big Lindsay group hug if you’d like! :)

  37. Purelytwins says:

    again we are so sorry for your grief. Michelle and I are thinking of you always!! for grief I seem to do a mix of holding things in and letting things out. I have my own life struggles that I talk with God everyday, and praying for strength to get through them. I know HE has plan for me just having faith that it will all work out. Lindsay I am here for you and praying for you. I think the way you are handling the grief is perfect, taking it slow. HUGS
    ~Lori

  38. Sarah @ The Smart Kitchen says:

    I am in awe of you for working through this is in such an honest, raw way. Being real, trusting in the future, and relying on the love you have been given from/through Travis, Henry, and Clara, are all beautiful ways of coping and maintaining hope through the sadness. Love you.

  39. Colorado Gal says:

    I can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through, but I appreciate your post– it’s so real. I totally shut down when I’m dealing with grief, so I think it’s great that you’re opening yourself up to it.

  40. Krysten Siba Bishop (@darwinianfail) says:

    One of my favourite quotes when times get tough is “You have to let go of the life you have planned, to embrace the life that is waiting for you”. The lack of control is not one I embrace easily, but if I have learned anything it is that sometimes these hard, unplanned moments take you on the best adventures. It can just be hard to see it in the moment. Hold on to Hope! xo

  41. beccalou says:

    When I lost my dad, I pasted a smile on my face and took on the role of ” the strong one”. I decided it was my place to be the rock at the rest of my family could lean on. it took years for me to realize what kind of damage that did to my heart. now I understand that it is only at our weakest moments, when we are completely broken hearted, that God is able to do His work to mold and heal us. praise him that you have recognized and embraced the pain that comes with such a loss… in the end the brokenness is a great blessing too.

  42. lindsay says:

    i’m so glad you posted this. Raw, real, and letting God be your GOD. HIS PLAN. I cannot relate to your loss but i can relate to anger, grief, mourning, and so on. Rest that body. Praying and sending love/hugs. I will grieve with you, for you. And i will HOPE EVEN MORE for YOU, with you.

  43. Katie says:

    Sending lots of love and light to you and the family <3

    I seriously can't imagine the sadness. I am grateful for each day in my life, each blessing, and for each day with my loved ones. I know anything can happen in this life, good or bad, so I am just grateful for it all.

    Love you <3

  44. Lee says:

    Take time to grieve. I think it’s important. I think it is also helpful to talk to others who have been there. That’s what helped me the most when I went through it. Hang in there.

  45. Tiffany says:

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Lindsay! With both of my miscarriages I held it all in! I have always been a person that seemed to have it all together and I didn’t want to change people’s opinion of me by letting them see me grieve, like I wasn’t ‘handling it well’. Now that I look back at both times, I wish I had been more open with my friends and family and let them see the real, upset, angry, grieving me. I think it would have been better for us all! Anyway, it’s amazing what we learn about ourselves and our God in times of trouble. I will continue to pray for you and your healing!

  46. linda says:

    My heart goes out to you but bravo because you don’t hear many people talking so openly about there miscarriage. &ut don’t give up I also had many misses but after 3 my 4 finally gave me a beautiful girl.
    Linda

  47. Linz @ Itz Linz says:

    BE however you want to be. My heart aches for you. Sometimes when I’m grieving I keep it all in because it hurts so bad to talk about, but then once I get it out, I do find some small pieces of relief. Sending you love xoxo

  48. Miz says:

    Im another who seems to be able to lift herself up by helping those around me.
    youve been in my prayers and PLEASE let me know if I can help at all.

    xo

  49. Maureen @ Breaking Free & Finding Me says:

    Lindsay, my heart aches for you. I hope your grieving helps you heal. I know that I tend to shut down, and ignore the problem when I’m grieving. I focus on helping heal those around me instead of on healing myself. I’ve realized lately that that isn’t good. Because whether you acknowledge it or not, that grief is still there eating away at you. I think it’s great that you are embracing it and letting yourself feel and heal.

  50. Brenda says:

    I’m so deeply sorry for all that you are going through. I know firsthand what you are going through. I allowed myself to grieve but in
    My mind I was making plans to try again as soon as possible. In my mind I had a plan and I wanted to stick to it. God had a much different plan and I had to learn how to get help and try different treatments and just let God be my God. I pray that our Heavenly Father gives you strength and comfort as you move forward from your pain.

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