I’ve been going back and forth, pondering on whether or not I should share what’s been going on with me these past few weeks. Currently, I’m sitting on an airplane, headed to Salt Lake City, tears in my eyes, thinking about how very blessed I am. Flying does that for me. Makes me appreciate all of the small and big things that I have – flying makes you evaluate your life. Or at least it does for me. Hours of silence, spent hovering 30,000 feet above the ground – I can’t think of a better place to pray and weep and be grateful.
My life lately….
…has been hard. That’s putting it lightly.
Three full weeks of dawn to dusk nausea. Severe nausea. Vomiting. Fatigue. Headaches.
I’m barely holding on. And I’m a fighter.
But the source of this sickness is where the blessing comes in.
Again. So soon after what happened last November.
And I’m so thankful. And I’m so blessed. And I’m so in love already.
Yet, as I sit here typing this above rolling clouds, there lies a great uncertainty about the health of this little one.
The last few weeks = Blood tests, tears, ultrasounds.
All to tell me that my little bean doesn’t seem to be growing like it should.
This weekend I’m putting a smile on my face, soaking up this time with great friends (friends who have been praying for me since day one), and I plan to be as merry as possible.**
On Monday (as you’re reading this), at 10:00am, I will go back for another ultrasound. Perhaps the final one. To see if there’s been any change or growth.
I desperately need to see growth.
I’m sharing all of this, not because I want you to feel sorry for me or to get attention. But because I really want for my friends to know what I’m going through and I consider you all friends. I think more than that, I’m sharing because I’d love some prayer and I believe in the collective power of it. My life, this sweet baby’s life, they are in God’s hands. He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, “Lord, blessed be Your name!” I choose to praise.
Flying always does this to me.
Brings me to this place where, once again, time after time, I’m reminded how very beautiful and heart wrenching life can be.
And I can’t help but cry.
**Edited on the plane ride home. This weekend was JUST what I needed. A brief escape from my thoughts and a great time of fellowship with some very dear friends. I’m so thankful for the breath of fresh air.