a little less me
Thank you for all of your amazing comments on last Friday’s post. As I wrote it, I wept the entire time (in fact, I seem to be crying a lot these days – not always because I’m sad, but because I seem to be one of those people who saves up their tears and then, when the teeniest tiniest needle presses up against me, I gush out all the saved up tears. Anyone else a tear-hoarder like me? Bueller??)
If you missed that post, let me catch you up to date. I’m at a point in my life where I need to make some changes. It seems as though the World keeps pulling me outside of “The Home” (in quotations because “the home” can also be outside of the actual infrastructure of a house and on the playground, grocery store, church, etc). Work, this blog, freelance projects, shows – they all appeal to me greatly because I receive accolades and recognition. Wow. Typing that out, it makes it all very real and raw. Being a mother is the most amazing thing ever, but simply put, there isn’t very much room for selfishness if you want to pour your heart into it.
And I desperately want to pour my heart into these children.
(I’m not sure why this needs to be written, as I think you all know my heart and my disgust for judgment, but I’ll just go ahead and type it out as to not hurt anyone’s feelings – I’m making these changes for ME and MY family because I think they’ll work for ME and MY family. I could go on and on, but I’ll just leave it at that for today. I get exhausted at the thought of trying to please everyone. It’s actually very freeing to not have to worry about planning YOUR life for you – I can barely plan my own. )
To illustrate the problem, let me show you a typical day for us right now – the good and the bad, because I’m not trying to fool anybody:
- Wake up/Breakfast.
- Play around on the internet, while kids watch Super Why.
- Get everyone ready to leave (a job that takes 15 minutes, but that I allow 10 for).
- Train clients at the gym for 2 hours (kids in KidZone).
- Library time (this part of my day makes me feel better about my parenting).
- Home for lunch and naps (Clara naps, Henry reads or plays quietly in his room, I blog).
- Go to rehearsal/Zumba/or Worship team – dinner is squeezed in there somewhere.
- Home by 8pm to get ready for bed.
The part I don’t like about this schedule is that it feels like it’s selfish, very self involved. Henry and Clara are simply side kicks in the Lindsay show. I have simply AMAZING children, so I know that I’m doing something right and in these moments of raw honesty, I can be my worst critic. But still. At the end of most days, I know I could have been better. Been more present. More selfless with my time. (Does every mom feel this way??)
When something needs to be fixed, you don’t just abstractly talk about it. You DO it. You fix it. Or at least you TRY.
Here’s my ACTION PLAN:
- First (and probably the most difficult, as I am a sloth), I’m going to get my workouts done and out of the way BEFORE my children even wake up. Monday-Friday, I’ll now be going to the gym at 6AM. This way, my children will only be in KidZone for no more than 2 hours a day (most days only 1 hour).
- I’m declaring Sunday the “Day of Unplugging.” No iPhone, no Instagram, no computer, no blogging. A PURE family day.
- Pressure-less blogging = No more guilt if I don’t put up a post M-F. No more guilt period. This is a hobby, not my job.
- More structure with homeschooling. While Clara naps, Henry and I will homeschool.
Those are the steps. They’re small, but I purposely made them that way so that I could accomplish them. Today marks the first day of implementation, starting with an early gym time. Wish me luck.
Less of me and more of them. I like the sound of that.
QUESTION: Name one thing in your life that you need to be more focused at. Any tips for getting up super early to work out??