Yesterday I took Henry and Clara to the park. I had a client cancel on me at the last minute, so it was a treat that neither I or the children had expected. But, man, we all needed it.
As soon as we got out of the car and I put them on the swings, it was as if a darkness lifted. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and my kids were happy and right in front of my eyes. I really took the time to LOOK at their little faces. And I saw (I see) just how very much they’ve grown up. Henry IS Travis, with his little impish grin and those wide Hobbit feet. Clara, my sweet Clara with her long ponytail and pink cowboy boots (which I was informed are not, in fact, cowBOY boots. They’re just GIRL boots. Because Clara is a “gurl” – duh), will be THREE years old this August. THREE!! When did that little chubby-cheeked baby grow into a preschooler??
You always hear other moms giving advice on TIME. “Cherish them while they’re little. It’ll be gone before you know it. Soak up this time!”
I heard it.
And I nodded.
And under my breath, amidst the diapers and the nursing and the constant battle between my desire for freedom and my children’s needs, I couldn’t help but mumble, “IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW HARD THIS IS, YOU’D WANT TO FAST FORWARD TO THE EASY PART TOO.” I didn’t understand the sitting and the cherishing and the being present parts of motherhood. From the start, when Henry was first born, we’ve been on the go. “The mom who stays at home but is never actually AT home” – that’s me. Workouts, clients, play groups, small group, church, worship team, lunches out. Put the kids in the car (in a hurried manner, as I am always 10 minutes late) and zoom from one thing to the next. A Zoom Zoom mom.
Here’s what’s easy – I can tell you guys to be more present and I can blog about my faith. I think I’m fairly good at being an inspirational writer. Just think of the most positive things, the most true and worthy things and write about those because a) we all need to hear them and b) no one can take offense to positivity – we all need it, we all crave it. I’ve been writing for a year and a half now on how we need to slow down. But I hadn’t really put that INTO MOTION in my own life. I had been writing abstractly.
Then I got pregnant four months ago. And I miscarried that precious baby. And my heart broke.
And my life changed.
And I’m learning that I don’t want to be that Zoom Zoom Mom anymore and I don’t want to neglect these two children that I already have. And I don’t want to look back at this time and wonder where it all went because I was too busy doing MY stuff. Honestly, I really don’t know that I want to have any other job than just being a mom. It is really what I was called to do.
I want to savor. I want to pick flowers and try to decipher the long paragraphs that Clara spurts out sometimes. I want to build Lego towers with my smart Henry and talk about how if he were miniature, he’d live right there in that Lego room. I want to look my children in the face, REALLY look and see that they’re having a wonderful day with their mom (who btw is so incredibly blessed to get to stay home with them).
I want for time to stand still. For my children to stay young and chubby and full of innocence. And I want to be pregnant again.
With all my (broken) heart.
**An action plan is being developed. And I’ll blog about it sometime next week. For now, we’re off to the park again.