if i owned a gym
August 8, 2012 in Blog, Crazy, Friends, Guest Post, Rambles, Sillyness, Workout
…the rules would be a little different.
As members walk in the door, they will enter through an invisible smell detector. If freshness isn’t up to par, they’ll get an auto-spray of deodorizer. Such deodorizer will smell nothing like the gag-inducing Axe body spray high school boys enjoy dumping on themselves. And on that note, all girls who bathed in their Chanel No. 5 will be doused with a hose. Take it easy on the spritz-spritz, girls. We can’t breathe.
Fitness classes will be separated down the middle by those who want to be yelled at and those who don’t, left side saved for pansies. You know, just so no one has the desire to punch the fitness instructor.
Some people just need more love at the gym than others. I get that.
Those without proper gym attire will be air horn-blasted in the right ear and provided big frumpy t-shirts and basketball shorts in which to exercise.
There will be a designated area for excessive sweaters and their rogue droplets.
All loud grunters will be given sparkly tiaras.
Let’s see how loud you grunt now, he-man.
All creepy men who skip rope for 40 minutes while ogling the treadmill runners will be sequestered to a two-way mirrored jump-roping corral. Just so everyone can stare at you all day and make creepy faces while you skip your rope.
Gym membership costs will triple from December 26 until February 1. I think we all know who we’re trying to weed out here.
There will be a designated gym employee for crowd morale. This trainer will provide high-fives for treadmill PDRs, weight lifting records, lost poundage.
Such person will also give out gold stars to everyone who wipes their sweat off the machines and mats.
A MRSA free gym is a happy gym.
And on that note, for those of you who are wondering, there will also be a Bend and Snap class.
Inquire within for membership details. All fees will be waived if you happen to resemble the following males.
——————–
Alyssa is the crazy blonde behind the blog, Life of bLyss.
She runs too much, censors herself too little, and spends her days in Virginia Beach trying to convince everyone around her that wine and ab exercises DO mix.
She is actually my favorite person on the planet. (<-SHE wrote that. But I agree.)
QUESTION: If you owned a gym, what would one of the rules be??
Its funny because its true! Thanks for the laughs.
Omg, where do I sign up?!
TA-otally cracking up!!! Love this, Alyssa!
Funny
You know what also sucks? Cologne in the pool. I always end up with some dude in my lane who showers in Old Spice before jumping in.
[...] post on Lindsay’s blog, entitled “If I Owned A Gym.” This had me [actually] [...]
LOVE this post! I would totally join your gym!
[...] If I Owned a Gym from Life of Blyss via Lindsay’s List – this post is hilarious. Read it. Read it [...]
HAHAHAHAHAHA this was fabulous love that girl!
These are great. How about sensors on cardio equipment — if you are flipping through a magazine they will ramp up until you either drop the magazine or let someone who really wants to workout use the equipment?
OMG that is the funniest thing ever!! Awesome post! (came here through Tina! but also keep meaning to read your blog, as I love love love Lindsay Cotter!) Now in my Reader
Have a good weekend!
HAHAHAHHA.
I love the separation of group ex people <–so true! Some people do not want to join in the fun. Oh and the secret spray deodoraizer would be AMAZING. There are some stinky people walking around….
TOO funny. I will come to your gym. I will let you make me do burpees.
Love love love it!
Cute post but I don’t agree with this statement:
“Gym membership costs will triple from December 26 until February 1. I think we all know who we’re trying to weed out here”
I know for some regular gym goers that can be frusterating but think about if only a handful of people stick with it? Then their lives have been changed forever. I have several friends who were those New Year’s Resolution members and are now today healthier and happier than ever.
Totally agree with you Kelly. As a fitness professional, my livelihood depends on new people coming through the front door of my gym and STICKING with it! I always remind my regulars of this and to help encourage newbies so they can enjoy health and fitness as well!
Love the rest of the tongue in cheek tips though!
I’m pretty sure Alyssa was making a joke.
I realize she was joking, obviously, but that one just bugs me. Everyone always makes fun of the New Year joiners and I think it just discourages people from getting healthy. That is just a big pet peeve of mine.
If you owned a gym, I’d join in a heartbeat!
If I owned a gym, nobody would be allowed to leave unless they were sweating their faces off/huffing and puffing/jelly-limbed. Gyms are for working out!
Annnnd this is why I love Alyssa.
haha hilarious. some gym members are pretty amusing….
haha oh my gosh you had me laughing! love this! i want to join!
This is wonderful. How about no walkers on the treadmill? If you want to walk, go outside. Your half hour walk really wont take you that far. My 10 mile run, will.
haha. i agree with the male resemblance and free membership.
This was so funny! I would definitely attend your gym and of course the Bend and Snap class. Maybe you can just go ahead and start that class now
Too funny. Must admit this may be why I avoid the gym. Just kidding
oh alyssa…should’ve known
if i owned a gym Alyssa and Lindsay would hang out with me all the time so that i could laugh my way through every workout. the end 
Totally love this. I’d join your gym any day!
that’s hilarious!! i’d sign for that gym for sure!!!!
Bahahaha! I love you, Alyssa!!! Especially the pink tiaras and “what now Bodypump” ones.
this is quite possibly the best post EVER. I love it! I’m an excessive sweater (not my fault) but I’m with you on alllllll of these things. Especially if a dude happens to look like Marky Mark because I think we all know how I feel about 90s CK underwear ad Marky Mark. rawr.
And I’m not gonna lie. I’ve farted purposely (and repetitively) when on a machine next to some girl with perfect makeup and hair wearing a whole bottle of perfume. You shouldn’t smell at the gym, but if you do smell, it should be because you’re working hard and not hardly working.
This.post.is.awesome!! I’m coming to your gym Alyssa!! =)
This is adorable and awesome. I agree there are so many things that I would change about the gym I go to, but it is pretty cheap and we do have to learn to get along with others at some point…why not with all the crazy gym people?
I do not like being yelled at in fitness classes because I tend to do whatever the instructor is yelling at me “don’t you dare stop!” “squat deeper!” and then I can’t workout for 5 days because I am too stinkin sore and wasn’t listening to my body but what someone was yelling at me.
There should, however be some kind of creepy meter at the door. Creepers would not be allowed if I had a gym.
Entertaining read!
Try-outs for the advanced classes. There’s nothing more annoying than someone with zero rhythm/coordination coming in and standing directly in front of you.
I love your rules, and they are basically the reason I work out at a women’s only gym. I mean, seriously. Grunters and treadmill creepers are SO gross.
Yes yes yes!! And they have to know what a “window” is, and what personal space is…when someone stands directly in front of me during Zumba, or sets up their bench a foot behind me during Body Pump I almost lose it…
Sign me up for that gym. I also would like the treadmills in a movie theater please.
Yes!! I love watching things to distract me while on the treadmill! At my gym it’s usually news or sports…blech.
Where do I sign up for a membership?!
There would be a “long time member who actually uses the gym on a regular basis” area where the time limits on the machines were higher or there weren’t any at all. This would really only need to apply around Jan-March.
I love this!!!! I want to attend the bend and snap class first!
LOL! I love this. I posted about the stinky gym people today. It really makes me mad. that and when people don’t rack the weight after they are done. What makes the meat-head think I want to put away the 8 plates he was just using?!
Cute post! Great ideas for your gym–I’d join!
IF YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT MY TOWELS YOUD BE BANISHED FROM USING THEM AND HAVE TO BRING YOUR OWN.
oh wait.
that actually happened
owning a gym tired me out…
Lol. Managing a gym wears me out.
I can only imagine the horrors involved with the actual ownership. UGH.
Fantastic ideas! I want to join your gym! Where do I sign up?