If you’ve missed the last two Wednesdays, go here for Part I and here for Part II.

———

I have received an OUTPOURING of emails, as a result of this series. Women and girls who are struggling, who need to talk, and who need help.

I’ve done my best to respond back with words of wisdom and encouragement, but I do think that it should be said: If you think you might have an eating disorder, seek out professional help! Tell your parents or your husband or your pastor and go have them get you to someone who has been trained to help with EDs!

Life is just too short to live with this s*it!!

I don’t say this to discourage you from writing me! Please feel free – lindsaymwright at yahoo dot com.

And, as always, thank you SO much for reading!

———

Where I left off…after one of my first purges.

After I was finished, I washed my face and hands. I scrubbed my teeth. Careful not to look at my reflection in the mirror. That girl was evil. Crazy. I hated her.

But I needed her to help me reach my goals.

I slinked back downstairs. Drifted in and out of conversations about when everyone would be putting up their Christmas trees. I talked and I actively listened. Anything to take my mind off of the sin that I’d just committed upstairs.

This pattern of eating, purging, then regretting, would continue for another year.

Getting worse before it got better.

What started out as a innocent diet the year before, had now evolved into a full-blown eating disorder.  Even though I was caught up in it, I still knew that what I was doing was wrong.  That it wasn’t normal.  And that it couldn’t last.

My body knew too.

After a year of restrictions and living off of 300 calories a day, my metabolism plummeted.  At my lowest weight (which was a good THIRTY POUNDS LESS than what I weigh now!), my body started rebelling against my “little plan”.  Slowly, the weight started to creep upward.  This freaked me out!

That’s when I turned to bulimia.  It only made sense.  Obviously, I was eating too many calories, right?  (this is sarcasm.)

So for a good 6 months (the Thanksgiving purge was during that time), I started throwing up my dinner.  Since I wasn’t eating breakfast, there was nothing to purge then.  There was no way that I was going to risk getting caught throwing up at school, so lunch wasn’t an option.

Dinner was really the only place to cut calories.  Cross country season had ended and I was now playing basketball.  We’d practice hard after school, then I’d come home and my family would all sit down to a meal together.  Mom would usually cook a piece of meat with a couple of sides or lasagna or spaghetti.  Normal food.

I didn’t eat what they ate.  Ever.  I always made myself something completely different – typically a baked potato and some steamed vegetable mix out of a bag.  Water to drink.

This is a well known “rule” among ED people – you don’t eat what other people cook.  They will have used butter and full-fat cheese or oil.  And “they” want you to eat these things so that you’ll get fat.  “They’ll” secretly hide sugar or lard in your food.  As a person with an ED, I didn’t see a mother that was doing her best, cooking for her family of 4 every night after she’d worked all day.  I wasn’t thankful for that.  All I saw was a person who was trying to feed me foods that would make me fat.  And I wanted no part in it.

So I’d prepare my own dinner and sit with my family and catch up on the day.  I’d wash my plate off, stick it in the dishwasher and excuse myself upstairs to “do homework”.

Obviously, I didn’t do homework (first).  I went to the bathroom and quietly made myself throw up.  Until there was nothing left.  I’d turn the water on to help mask the sound.  I got quite good at the whole ordeal.

My mom had no clue.

Or so I thought.

I can’t remember the exact day, but it was around the transition from Basketball to Track, so March?  I’d started to let myself go a little.  By that, I mean, I’d begun to eat “off limit” foods.  I was going to purge them anyway – why not eat something naughty?  This was a slow process – I started by tasting a roll or a piece of granola bar, nothing too “bad”.  After I saw that I could purge those items, I branched out.

To ice cream.

i-do-i

Full of fat and calories, ice cream was something I’d never have DREAMED about eating the year prior.  Purging gave me back options that anorexia had stolen. 

During my childhood, I remember eating huge bowls of ice cream or drinking my dad’s homemade Chocolate Milkshakes.  We were an ice cream family.  You could always find a Breyer’s “Take Two” or Rocky Road in our freezer (this still holds true).

This particular day, we had cookies and cream.  It was really late at night.  I’d already purged dinner.  Mom and Dad were watching TV in their bed, Katy was already asleep.  I snuck down and dished myself out a mug of ice cream and snuck it back upstairs to the bathroom.  Cold and creamy – I inhaled it.

Then I stood over the toilet and started to throw it back up.  Midway through the purge, I heard a knock at the locked bathroom door.

Part IIII will “air” next Wednesday.  A little“What I Ate (and then threw back up) Wednesday”.  I think humor is needed here.

——–

Do you happen to know what you’ll find if you perform a Google search for “bulimia”??

bul

Look at that second one. Bulimia TIPS. What the heck?!?! Travis says that Google suggests these search fields, based off of what the most POPULAR searches are. So after searching for “bulimia”, “bulimia tips” has the next highest number of searches!!

This is QUITE disturbing.  Seems more people are looking for help getting in to bulimia than getting out. Something is SO wrong with that picture.

The thing is: I was that girl who went searching for those tips! I vividly remember searching for and finding anorexia and bulimia message boards, where girls would describe exactly what they would do to make themselves throw up or what the best mouthwash was for hiding “vomit breath”.

These websites and message boards NEED TO BE TAKEN DOWN and done away with!! They are helping no one and fueling an evil that is robbing lives!

Feel free to weigh in with your thoughts below!

———

P.S.  As I was typing this out last night at 10:30, I had myself a mug of Extreme Cookies and Cream ice cream, complete with a brownie and Sunflower butter.  I don’t think I’ve ever tasted anything so satisfying.

splendid…lindsay

    • calee says:

      Those sites are seriously the devil. I found them in college when I was doing a satire on evil brands identity project (DOA Clothing — yes, DOA = dead on arrival, but also stood for something else — had to have a size 24 or less waist to shop there).

      This hit me to the core, Lindsay. I’m reading and knowing that was me. And I am also hoping that I’ve come so far that I don’t have to deal with this again (and that’s why I’m testing the calorie counting in bootcamp … again, Mark is watching me like a hawk). <3

  1. JG says:

    Yeah… Pro ED sites are horrible. So sad. Throwing up ice cream is also sad. Love your series! Always fun to learn more about you. Moms know all. I was on cocaine, ecstasy, mushrooms, acid, you name it, thought I was invincible and my mom had no clue. Oh, she knew. I hated putting her through that– looking back :(

    • lindsaymwright says:

      I remember reading about your drug stuff….I was just a lurker then and i SO badly wanted to comment to tell you that I thought you were amazing for getting past that! I’ll just tell you now – you’re amazing. Look how far we’ve both come!!

  2. Kristin @ STUFT Mama says:

    just catchign up here on part II and III. I have to say I was saving it for a time I could sit down and really take it in. As someone who has been through my issues myself it’s sometimes hard to read about others whe went through the same things. Thank goodness you’re out of all that. Isn’t it so weird looking back on what we used to do to ourselves? What the heck? So proud of you for putting this all out there. Love ya!

  3. Katie says:

    I’ve said it before (100 times) but you are amazing! I can relate to it all! It’s scary how good you can get at hiding your problems from other people – I don’t think anyone really knew about my ED (except Meeker – who was the one to call me out eventually) – I just loved all of the thin “compliments” – hah. I feel so blessed to be where I am now…reading this post and being on the other side of that awful disease.

  4. Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health says:

    Sending hugs your way! Thank you again for opening up and being so honest about all of this! I never had a full blown eating disorder, just a period of disordered eating, but it’s amazing how similar my thoughts were to some of the ones that you described. Even though I wasn’t actively doing severely restrictive things or bingeing or purging, I still had so many of those same ideas running through my head constantly- I think sometimes the thoughts and mental aspect of eating disorders are the hardest to recover from and fully get over!

    Oh and btw, the snack you were eating while writing this post sounds amazing!

  5. Danica @ It's Progression Not Perfection says:

    I had no idea there were actual websites like that, and you’re right, they should absolutely be taken down. Thinking about them makes me feel sick to my stomach….I know I’ve said it before, but again, thank you for sharing this story, Lindsay. I can only imagine the difficulty of thinking through this time of your life again, but there’s no doubt in my mind that sharing your experience is now helping another woman.

  6. britt@knewlywifed says:

    Linds I hope you know how big of an impact I’m sure you’re having. I’ve never dealt with an eating disorder myself, but I know people who have. I watch in pain as they spiral downhill. To see you get to this point you are at now, and then be able to share and encourage others, is just plain awesome. God is working some good here, girl!

  7. Kelly says:

    Thanks for sharing this story. I had to go back and read parts I and II but I think you are a really strong person. I think many woman go straight from eating disorders (anorexia, bulima, binge eating) to overexercising…it is almost like a logical next step. I just wish we could be more accepting of who we are, what we look like and be grateful. Sometimes that is just so hard.

  8. lindsay says:

    lindz, you know you are helping so many women right now. I am amazed at Gods plan for you. He is good! I think we can all relate to this in someway, the feeling of wanting to be our own boss of our bodies. Scary how destructive we can be too!
    P.s.
    Cookies and cream in my favorite!

  9. Amanda says:

    You are an amazing, strong woman. Thank you so much for sharing your story. This takes a lot of courage and self respect and I have a severe amount of respect for YOU for doing this.

  10. Jess says:

    Such a dichotomy to where you were to where you are today – I really appreciate hearing this from you, how healthy and balanced you are today is truly amazing considering where you’ve been.

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